“I love it when a plan comes together” – John “Hannibal” Smith

Two weeks ago I decided to write today’s article about the city of St Louis, their baseball team, and their unbearable fans. I spent countless hours researching, and remembering, all the things I dislike about this pompous trinity and was just beginning to feel prepared as I settled in to watch Friday night’s game. Less than 4 hours later, the best fans in baseball gave me all the ammunition I would have ever needed.

I should have seen it coming. You see I had developed a theory that determines how much you hate the Cardinal Nation, and Friday night’s experience just proved it. The theory basically states that hatred of the Cardinals begins with a person’s decency and is positively correlated with how much exposure you have to their fans. In other words, the more you get to know them, the more you hate them…and Friday night was a window into their souls.

Cardinals fans are, at their core, spoiled little brats. They’re the kid you hated in high school because he drove a brand new BMW, wore Abercrombie and Fitch to school every day, and always had that smirk on his face like he knew something that you didn’t. Everything in life was so easy for him. The hot chicks adored him because of his car, he never got in trouble because of daddy’s money, and he certainly wasn’t working a job in the summer. Remember how that kid acted when he something didn’t go his way? He threw a fit, just like Cardinals fans did Friday night. Remember how he acted when someone had a great accomplishment? He tried to diminish it, just like Cardinals fans did when Johan Santana no-hit them a couple of weeks ago. And if that didn’t work? Well then, he generally went off his rocker, like sending death threats to the family of an umpire because he had the audacity to blow a call.

The thing I always hated the most about that kid was that he actually thought we were all jealous of him, and of course so do Cardinals fans. They self-gloss with the ”best fans in baseball” tag, they talk about their 11 World Series rings any time you dare to question them, and most of all they love to act like they don’t give a damn about the Kansas City Royals because that would be beneath them.

Much like the rich kid, they’re just over compensating for their obvious shortcomings. I mean, c’mon they live in one of the dirtiest, most crime riddled cities in America. It’s no wonder they flock to the K every year, who wouldn’t want to get out of that abyss for a few days? I think the city of St Louis wanted to be Chicago but could only duplicate the crime and pollution. They like to compare their barbecue toKansas City, but the fact that they consume more sauce per capita than any city in the country tells me they probably aren’t very good at cooking their meat either. Maybe their team is a divine gift after all, to make up for how terrible every other aspect of life is in that cesspool.

Of course, Cardinals fans aren’t just making up for the inadequacies of their city, they have some of their own. For one, they are incredibly hypocritical. Their love and adoration of Mark McGwire as he injected his way to the home run record was sickening in itself. It became more so when it was replaced by indignant cries as Barry Bonds did the same thing, only better. Finally, when McGwire finally came clean, they no longer seemed to have a problem with steroids, as long as you admit it. So using the moral compass of the Cardinals, it seems that cheating is fine, drunk driving is to be revered, but human error from umpires is intolerable. I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised, these are the same people who cheered on Leonard Little long after his conviction for manslaughter.

Another thing the “best fans in baseball” pride themselves in is their knowledge of the game. That’s why I found it odd watching last night and hearing the roar of the crowd when Matt Holliday hit a can of corn to Jarrod

Dyson in medium-depth center field. Maybe their knowledge doesn’t include depth perception. Surely, though they stood and applauded when Alcides Escobar made one of the best plays the brilliant shortstop has ever made, right? Well, they were standing, but that’s because many of them were on their way out of the stadium…before the final out. I obviously don’t understand what makes a good baseball fan.

Now I mentioned the trinity at the beginning of this article, and I haven’t spent any time at all on the team. Honestly, before last night I didn’t have many feelings about this team. They’ve been ravaged by injury much of the season and at this point it appears to be a pretty mediocre collection of scrappy players and nearly has-beens. Of course, that’s generally good enough to win in the inferior league, but with no Albert Pujols to lead the way it won’t be this year. In fact, another Royals win tonight combined with a Reds and Dodgers victory would put the Royals closer to first place than the Cardinals, I wonder what the “best fans in baseball” would think of that?

In preparation for this article I Googled “Logic vs Emotion”. The results reveal there is nothing we do as humans that do not involve both. It should be no surprise that it could be applied to the sports world. If I apply logic to the sports world I could make an argument that there is no logical reason for sports. Sports produces no tangible product, cures no diseases, grows no food, harnesses no water, and uses energy instead of producing it. However, sports has been apart of society since there has been a society. There must be something positive about it? It’s not until you add emotion to the equation that sports begins to produce tangible benefits; physical activity, competition, a focal point for community. With the exception of the physical benefits of exercise all of the benefits of sports are emotional.

Go up a couple levels and you arrive at the modern age of sports fandom. There is no logical reason to be emotionally involved in a team in which you or someone close to you is not a player. Yet, countless hours and dollars are spent watching games, attending games, and buying gear to wear to games. Last year the total revenues of Major League Baseball and the National Football League totaled an estimated $16 Billion. It’s not just a United States phenomenon; soccer hooligans roam Europe and Latin America. India and Pakistan nearly go to war over Cricket. And don’t think the United States has the monopoly on Seamheads; ever see the crowd at a baseball game in Japan? Putting sports higher on the priority list than it should transcends geography and cultures.

This evidence suggests that humans are wired to be fans of sports teams, regardless of logical flaws. However, why do humans remain fans of terrible sports teams? The Royals next opponent, the Chicago Cubs thrives on it being hip to root for “The Lovable Losers”. They are the exception. Every other perennial losing team has poor attendance, poor merchandise sales, and a poor aura surrounding them. Most humans want to be attached to a winner and all the positive energy that goes with it. There is not a line of people clamoring to jump on the Royals bandwagon.

It’s not like rooting for the Royals is a serious degradation to my physical and emotional well being. There are problems much bigger than rooting for a bad baseball team. I make the Royals go away when I need, or want them to. I choose to be a Royals fan. Logic tells me I should just quit rooting for the Kansas City Royals and pick another team. Logic says that will make my fan experience a better one. But the second paragraph establishes that having an interest in sports puts us off The Logic Reservation, and into the Wilderness of Emotion.

I know this because I’ve tried to drop the Royals and root for a more successful organization. But, no matter how many times I watch fly balls drop between two outfielders. A trash-can placed in front of the franchises only World Series Trophy (pre-Kauffman renovation). A cut off man get hit in the back with a throw. The same cut off man get taken out by a tarp. A 19 game losing streak; batting out of order; a pitcher giving up 14 runs in 3 innings. Through several 100 and 90 loss seasons, deep down, for some reason feel compelled to root for a baseball team that avoids being the most inept franchise in Major League Baseball of the last ten years because they had the benefit of playing the 2003 Tigers 19 times! (Remember them? They were in the World Series three years later while the Royals lost 100 games).

Water, Summer & Royals Baseball

The conclusion I’ve come to? Nostalgia. The same reason there are oldies channels on the radio. The same reason there are old movie channels, and ESPN Classic scattered through out the program guide. All of us want to go back and relive the good times in our childhood. It’s part of the reason I like summer, baseball, hot weather, and playing in cricks. (If you live in the north, west or urban parts of Royals Nation that’s a creek. Cardinals fans should know what a crick is.) I have said previously I was too young to remember 1985. However, I do remember the Royals being a model franchise. I have fond memories of watching and listening to the Royals with my family. Logic says you cannot turn the clock back, but emotion tells me I’d like to try. Experiences in youth help determine who we are as people. In my youth it was determined I am a Royals fan. Once you’re a fan of a team it’s your team for life. Nothing short of the franchise leaving town or contraction can change that. It is what it is, and being a Royals fan is a part of who I am.

Logic says this baseball season is going the way we thought it would, but the Emotion of rampant losing is frustration. Logic says Eric Hosmer is a good player and the cornerstone of any Royals renaissance, but the emotion of him popping up the first pitch of an at bat with the tying run at 3rd in the 9th inning is WTF! Logic says I need to turn the Royals off for a bit and explore other hobbies. Emotion says I might pretend disinterest, but I’ll still be a fan. Because fan is short for fanatic, and being a fanatic is entirely emotional.