In honor of the Royals-Cardinals series this weekend at Kauffman Stadium, let’s take a look into a warped crystal ball and try to imagine the unlikely scenario where the Royals sign free agent Albert Pujols in the 2011-2012 offseason.
December 5, 2011: The St. Louis Cardinals announce they are approaching a deal with Albert Pujols.
December 7, 2011: The Cardinals announce the deal is off and they will no longer negotiate with Pujols. Talks begin between Pujols and the Kansas City Royals.
December 21, 2011: After two weeks of haggling, the Royals announce they’ve signed Pujols to a 95-year contract worth 570 bajillion dollars (that’s an average of six bajillion dollars a year).
December 22, 2011: The Cardinals front office announces that the team is disbanding. All of the team’s players become free agents.
December 23, 2011: The City of St. Louis presents Royals owner David Glass with a plan to re-locate the Royals to Busch Stadium and re-name the team the St. Louis Cardinals. The deal falls through.
December 25, 2011: It’s Christmas in Kansas City. In St. Louis, Christmas is cancelled.
December 29, 2011: The United Association of Cardinals Fans announce that they will now support the Kansas City Royals, quintupling the Royals’ fan base.
January 4, 2012: The Royals trade Billy Butler to the New York Mets in exchange for a La-Z-Boy Pujols wants for the clubhouse.
February 15, 2012: Pitchers, catchers and Pujolses report to Royals camp for Spring Training. Manager Ned Yost announces Albert will bat third, fourth and fifth in the Royals’ lineup.
April 2, 2012: Albert Pujols powers the Royals to victory on Opening Day with five solo home runs. The Royals win 5-4.
June 10, 2012: Kauffman Stadium hosts the All-Star Game. Albert Pujols is the starting first baseman for the American League team and the Royals’ sole representative on the team.
October 2, 2012: The regular season ends. The Royals win the American League Central with a record of 161-1 (Pujols was given one off-day). Albert sets Major League records with 295 home runs and 296 RBIs. He comes in second in MVP voting.
October 29, 2012: On the morning of Game 1 of the World Series, Albert Pujols falls down nineteen flights of stairs and breaks all of his bones. He considers playing in that night’s game, but ultimately his lack of unbroken bones prevents it. Pujols never plays baseball again.
November 6, 2012: The Royals are swept in four games by the New York Mets. World Series MVP Billy Butler becomes a baseball legend.
December 1, 2012: The Royals are obligated to pay the remainder of Pujols’ $570 bajillion contract. David Glass triples the prices at Wal-Mart stores around the globe, and the money is raised in six minutes.
January 15, 2013: Albert Pujols buys Major League Baseball and re-names it Major League Pujols.
Matt Kelsey is a Royals writer and associate editor for I-70 Baseball. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.