Major League Is The Answer

The Cleveland Indians are coming into town to take on the Kansas City Royals this week. Being the 80’s movie junky that I am, I cannot help but think of the movie Major League. The movie produced many one-liners and helpful tips that any ball team could use. Maybe the Royals should show the movie during their pregame meal.

When Billy Butler, Alex Gordon or any Royals player finds themselves in a slump when their bats are missing those curveballs, Pedro Cerrano has the key to ending those slumps. The Royals need to find a Jobu type gnome and place it in a sacred location in the locker room. Offer the gnome a shot of rum and a fine cigar, and with that a change of luck will come their way. If that does not work, sacrificing a live chicken should give them the extra power.

I believe I have found Zack Greinke’s problem this year. He might need to put Crisco on his chest, Bardol across his head and Vagisil along his waistline to get the extra two- to three-inch drop on that curveball he has been missing. Greinke should also rub some jalapeño up his nose to get it running and load the ball up with snot if he needs to. Eddie Harris has all the answers to make pitchers more effective.

Toughness needs to be part of every team. If toughness is lacking, the Royals must look elsewhere to find it. Finding a Ricky Vaughn type from the California Penal League will add the much-needed toughness. Maybe Joakim Soria needs to change his haircut, walk the bases loaded on 12 straight pitches, wear thick glasses with a skull-and-crossbones logo, and run out to “Wild Thing.” If that does not put fear in hitters, I do not know what would.

Ned Yost needs to watch Lou Brown closely. During practice, whenever Yuniesky Betancourt takes a play off the hip, he should drop and give Yost 40 sit-ups. If Mitch Maier hits the ball in the air, Yost needs 20 push-ups in return for Maier’s effort.

Royals announcer Denny Matthews might need to change a couple of his techniques. Harry Doyle used laughter and sarcastic remarks to keep the listeners tuned in. Doyle would use “JUUUUUUST a bit outside!” when Vaughn would throw a ball to the backstop. Matthews does a great job, but he might be able to pick up a couple pointers from Doyle.

If the Royals do not get things together soon, you might just see a promotion for Die-Hard Night: free admission to anyone who was actually alive the last time the Royals won the pennant.

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